I know, I know, I’ve now named two posts after John Mayer songs. Let me live my life.
I’ve had my heart set on writing about a couple things, and this topic happened to win out tonight. Don’t fret, I’m sure I’ll put off writing my biochem paper again soon so I can rant all about my other topic. Speaking of which, I am putting that paper off right now because I took an organic chemistry test tonight and that really sucks the motivation out of you. I was sitting with my friends before the test when they informed me that they’d begun looking at housing for next year and had forgotten to tell me that I was one of the roommates. Rewind about an hour, and I am once again bugging one of my best friends for housing info without much success; it really poked at my friendship and relationship-related insecurities. If she didn’t want to live with me, I didn’t know who would, and I once again started to feel as if my perception of relationships with people is skewed.
This took a really different turn than I was originally intending, but I feel as if you might need some brief background information to get a basic understanding of my insecurities; all through elementary school, people told me I was annoying. I was told my laugh was annoying and I talked too much and people who I thought were my friends would intentionally leave me out of stuff, which helps to explain why I continue to have this underlying fear that all of my friends don’t really like me. My demons are very easily fed, and they know how to attack me at the core of my own issue.
(I didn’t realize this was as big a deal for me as it is until right now, actually. Like I said, what I had planned on writing was going to be much more sunshiney and encouraging, but that’s not always how life works.)
When I was told that some of my not super close friends had just assumed that I would live with them and had gone so far as to start planning, it took away a lot of that alone feeling. I have talked to so many people who have this same issue, where we have an awful habit of thinking that nobody cares for us when in actuality we are so much more loved than we realize. Personally, I get so caught up in rejection that I sometimes forget about others’ acceptance with open arms.
I think we’re all a lot more loved than we know. We aren’t always told when boys are interested in us or when our friendship is valued or when we are missed. I’ve realized that the lack of telling people what you think of them is almost as bad as telling them that you don’t like them. This is probably super cheesy, but I can be a bit of a cheese head; you are loved by so many people, many of which you may not understand the extent of their love for you. It’s kinda awesome and crappy at the same time, but that’s sometimes how life goes.
I want you to take a minute to let that sit with you.
You. Are. Loved.
You will always be loved, even when it’s not laid out in black and white.